My Boyfriend Won't Share His Pass Codes. Is He Cheating?
Dear Mi Comadre,
My boyfriend of over a year won't share his pass codes to his phone or Netflix account with me. Am I being paranoid? We've been together for over a year and his secrecy makes me think he's hiding something. - Confused Girlfriend, New Buffalo, N.Y.
Hello Confused Girlfriend,
I think phone pass codes and social media are 2 of the biggest culprits that create relationship drama.
Since you don't give a lot of detail on the how things are in general with your boyfriend, I'll just take a guess from what you did write.
If you've been with your guy for over a year, your relationship is good, there's no serious drama, you have an open and honest convo, and you respect each other, you shouldn't poke a sleeping bear. If he leaves his cell phone wherever, and you leave yours wherever, don't poke. If you need his phone because your battery is dead, he lets you use his, and walks away into another room, he's not there watching you dial the number, or waiting in front of you to complete the call, and you're actually making a call and not digging through his phone looking for evidence, that's because there is trust in your relationship. Most importantly, no one's pressed about getting cellphone codes, and passwords because it's neither on your or his mental. I'm guessing this is not where you are with your boyfriend.
All relationships (friends, lovers, family, work) are built on trust....I'm sure you've heard that a zillion times, but it's true. You use the words "won't share" and "secrecy" in your letter. This makes me think that you already have experienced trust issues with him. If this is the case, getting his pass codes is not going to make you trust him more. I would ask yourself, "If he gives me his pass codes, what next?" Are you going to wait till he falls asleep to go through his phone, are you going to check his Netflix watched movies list? What is this going to do for you, and is it going to make you feel like your relationship is solid?
I get it, I've been there. Listen to your gut, if you are already feeling paranoid, stop and just take a look at your relationship. If something is going on, you'll see it eventually. Listen... you could be the best girlfriend in the world, but sometimes the partners we build relationships with and love can end up being assholes. What is done in the dark will always come to light. F A C T S!!!
I hope this helps you, Mama! Take care of you!
Dear Mi Comadre,
I am engaged to be married this fall to a man I love very much. Everything is going well so far, but the issue of money has me really concerned. We're both in our mid-twenties. Since high school, I have been very disciplined with my money. I have a small amount of student loan debt which will be paid of in the next year, I have zero credit cards, and I've had a savings account for the past 7 years which I contribute to every 2 weeks. My fianceé recently confessed to me that he has amassed a large amount of debt (student loans, car payments, etc) and he has 7 credit cards that have all exceeded their limit. I'm worried about our financial future. He hasn't told me the exact amount of his debt, but as an educated guess, I'm thinking it's in the ballpark of $50,000 +. What should I do? - Poor Bride-to-Be, Chicago, IL.
Dear Poor Bride-to Be,
Congrats on your engagement!
I'm glad your fiance has shared his financial situation with you before saying "I Do." I can only imagine how you must feel. You are complete opposites when it comes to finances. However, I don't think this should break up the relationship you have built.
I do, however, think he needs to get a plan in place ASAP. He needs to be honest about what his debt is, and you need to be honest about your concerns, which I don't think would surprise him. I'm sure he knows how great you are at money management. If he really wants to help himself, and he knows that this worries you, he'll get it together, and work on bettering his credit score and lowering his debt. There are a lot of places he can go to get started. Many community colleges also offer classes in money management. There are many resources out there to help. Encourage him, and be there for him. Share some of your tips with him.
It's very important to have a conversation about how things will work when it comes to finances after saying "I DO." If you haven't already had this conversation, make sure you have it right away.
Every married couple I know does things a little different when it comes to finances. I know couples who have one bank account and put both incomes into that account. I know couples who keep separate bank accounts and share a savings account. I know couples who don't share bank accounts at all. I know couples who split ALL the bills in half, and others who divvy the bills up between them. Couples who file their taxes together, and those who are married that file separately. Whatever the case is, you should talk about these things now.
I hope this get's X'd off your to-do list quickly, and you can continue with the fun part of wedding planning.
I wish you lots of happiness and blessings on your nuptials.